Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 And so
Speaker 1 00:00:39 Well Greetings folks, and welcome to The Coaches Corner podcast with me, Dr. K, uh, where we're gonna talk about grieving job loss and that difficult journey. From goodbye to hello, and as we open the episode here today, uh, you heard the great refrain from the John Denver song Looking for Space, and it really connects for me because, um, it reminds me of the emotional roller coaster that we do experience in job loss and the challenging transition of finding that next opportunity. Losing a job is one of the most significant and stressful experiences, uh, of life. It affects our identity and self-esteem, our family and friends, our sense of security and safety. In grieving job loss, we're now suddenly thrust into an uncomfortable period of transition and uncertainty to something that is both no longer my former job and not yet my new job. Some job losses are harder to grieve than others, especially if one is let go for performance reasons where the pain can be particularly acute.
Speaker 1 00:01:55 There can even be grief after one voluntarily leaves job as you second guess yourself and more in the former colleagues you used to work with and the structure and the routines of your old life. In this podcast, I'm gonna draw from my experience of job loss, and those are the many clients I've been privileged to work with over these past 10 years. I believe it's critical that we allow the space and time to fully explore those deeply felt emotions about the nature of our loss, including feelings of shock, confusion, denial, anxiety, guilt, regret, anger, resentment, blame, and often the intense sadness we experience as we're working through that process of accepting our new reality. In many ways, grieving the deep emotions that come with job loss can feel like a long goodbye, but it can be a vital step in one's transition and ultimately impact your search for a new position and self-esteem.
Speaker 1 00:03:04 Fully grieving the job loss in real time can also shed light on your need to prioritize self-care during this transition by seeking support from your family, friends, former colleagues, and even the assistance of a therapist or coach to help reassess your career and life goals with the best possible mindset so you can say hello to the new job opportunities that await you. As I look back on my own painful experience of job loss in May of 2003, I realized more than ever that I never gave myself permission to fully grieve my loss and tap those deep feelings and emotions that were bottled up inside of me, effectively delaying my healing and recovery. From that loss. I was overly preoccupied with keeping my emotions and feelings to myself, trying to be strong for my family, as if nothing had happened, and yet everything in my life had changed all at once.
Speaker 1 00:04:10 The day you lose your job is a day you never forget. For me, it happened on a Monday afternoon when my new boss came to my office and politely asked if he could have a moment with me. My firm at that time, credit Suisse first Boston, was under significant pressure to reduce head count and their cost structure as it struggled to find a sustainable footing. After a difficult, costly merger with another Wall Street firm, Donaldson Lufkin, gen Red, I was quickly told that my position was being eliminated effective immediately, and that I would need to leave the premises right away. As soon as I gathered my belongings and briefcase, I was in complete shock and speechless. Within a span of five minutes, the door had now officially closed on a job I loved more than any other position I had held in my career, and one that defined my very identity of who I was that long, walk down the corridor from my big corner office to the elevator, and then the six flights down to the lobby seemed to me to be the longest walk of my life.
Speaker 1 00:05:25 As everybody stared at me wondering what was going on, I remember looking out the window on the train ride back to Princeton and wondering what would I say to my wife, my kids, and my mom and dad, whom we had provided significant financial support to over the past 12 years? My oldest daughter was finishing her junior year of high school, getting ready to head off to college, and then it dawned on me that just like her, I also had a most challenging moment to deal with. When I was finishing my junior year in high school, you see, my older brother had died unexpectedly that spring while away at college, only one year after my dad had lost his job. Those twin losses changed the trajectory of my own life and for every member of my family. As I pulled my car into the driveway, I couldn't help but think that I was now reliving my earlier painful history as a teenager.
Speaker 1 00:06:30 All of that unprocessed anger, resentment, and grief over the untimely passing of my brother and the loss of dad's career suddenly resurfaced. I decided in that instant to initially shield my three children from what had just happened to their dad because I didn't want them to worry as I had when my dad lost his job. As I began the transition to what was now life, as a former head of research for a major Wall Street firm, feelings of intense anger began to surface something I struggled with. For the next year or so, I was angry that I didn't get to say goodbye to the many colleagues I cared about. Calling them or emailing them just wasn't acceptable. I wanted to hug them, shake their hand, and wish them well. After all, I had hired many of them. I knew their spouses, even their children. I wanted to hear them say, Jack, everything's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 00:07:35 Unfortunately, for me and my family, I wasn't strong enough mentally in those early days of transition to reach out for professional help and to process the anger, resentment, shame, anxiety, and depression, I was suddenly dealing with, you See, it wasn't in my cultural and lived experience to ever consider asking anyone for help. I had to be strong for the family and not give into my feelings, but I was hurting inside and experiencing what later was diagnosed as the beginnings of a deep depression, one laced with major anxiety and fear over my future. You know, in the words of that great song from Bob Dylan, I was really tangled up and blue. I was grieving not just the job I had lost and loved, but what had been a more than 20 year record of success as both a highly regarded financial analyst and senior executive.
Speaker 1 00:08:36 To fully heal, I would need to mourn each of my major losses, one loss at a time, dad's loss of a career, and the financial impact it had on my family. Denny's untimely passing, and what I now perceive to be the loss of my career in financial services. It was an overwhelming feeling of despair with lots of questions that I had avoided for most of my life. The time had finally come for me to dig deep below the surface to not only help myself, but to find the best way forward for my life. Fortunately, I had an incredible support structure to help me heal, especially my wife Jean. I also made what for me was the hardest decision in seeking the help of a terrific therapist named Dr. Fran. I also had some great friends and former colleagues who helped me get back on my feet playing different roles as peers, mentors, cheerleaders, critics, and maybe the most important role of all.
Speaker 1 00:09:47 They empathized and validated what I was feeling, a real blessing for me. I also had several priests like Father Hank and Monsignor Harry, who went out of their way to help me reconnect with my faith community, and in the process helped me define a new meaning and purpose for my life and career. All these resources were available to me the moment I lost my job, but I had been hesitant to pursue them for a long period for reasons of pride and the cultural norms that I had grown up with. Looking back now with the benefit of hindsight, those little mustard seeds we learned about from scripture were planted in those early days of me grieving my job loss. And over time, those mustard seeds grew into a healthy plant that would define my final act and professional life as an executive and life career coach, as well as a bereavement and grief counselor.
Speaker 1 00:10:50 By allowing myself to finally feel those deep emotions triggered by my job loss and all those earlier losses in my life, I had found the holy grail of new meaning in my losses and could now move forward with my life. In the next several episodes, folks, I'll walk through the Kubler-Ross Kessler model of grief and the six stages of grief, and I'll share with you some of the things that come up in job loss going through each of those stages till the next time. Thanks so much for listening, and may God bless you and your family.
Speaker 0 00:12:13 Sometimes I.
